DAN
Just a second, Lynn. Sam, I want you in the control room. Monitor videotape and projection.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Check. (He exits, and a few seconds later his voice is heard through a speaker.)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (voice)
Videotape ready, Dan. Projection OK.
DAN
Begin your interview, Lynn.
REPORTER
This is Lynn Meadows, USBC News, London. I have with me Mr. Cecil Workum. Mr. Workum, will you explain how you came to know Delbert Knudson.
PRELATE
Yes, Lynn, in answer to that question, I first met Delbert Knudson through an ad in the Village Voice some years ago. We were later engaged for a short time.
REPORTER
Engaged?
PRELATE
Oh, I should mention that at the time my name was Cecily Workum. I've had a sex change operation.
REPORTER
I see. Can you tell us anything about Mr. Knudson?
PRELATE
What would you like to know?
REPORTER
We understand he may just have shot the Mayor of New York. Why would he do that?
PRELATE
Ah, poor Delbert. Perhaps he became frustrated trying to find an apartment in the city.
REPORTER
Would you say Delbert displayed any violent tendencies when you knew him?
PRELATE
He had a fondness for whips.
REPORTER
Bullwhips?
PRELATE
No, cream whips, like Readywhip and Dreamwhip.
REPORTER
You mean he was violent during dessert?
PRELATE
He never ate whipped cream. He was afraid of getting fat. He liked to spray it at the police during demonstrations.
REPORTER
Political demonstrations?
PRELATE
Vacuum cleaner demonstrations. For a while he peddled portable vacuum cleaners on street corners. He'd suck up the whipped cream with the vacuum cleaner to demonstrate it. But he never had a peddler's license, and sometimes the cops would try to make him move on.
REPORTER
Can you tell us any more about his violent tendencies?
PRELATE
Oh, yes, they originated with his mother. She liked to dress him in purple skirts and blouses before puberty. Chartreuse afterward.
REPORTER
No, not violet, violent.
PRELATE
Chartreuse is not violet, it's yellow green.
REPORTER
(more loudly) Violent tendencies. Violent, not violet.
PRELATE
Ah, violent.
REPORTER
Antisocial tendencies.
PRELATE
Delbert never was very social. I don't remember anyone ever inviting him to a party.
REPORTER
No parties in his whole life?
PRELATE
Except for the Communist Party. He was enthusiastic about them for a while.
REPORTER
And then?
PRELATE
Delbert complained that they were too bourgeois. The biggest Soviet Agents, the KGB men with the fanciest trench coats: after they were in New York for three or four months, they defected and bought taxicabs.
REPORTER
Did Delbert do any other work besides peddling vacuum cleaners?
PRELATE
When I knew him, he was writing things.
REPORTER
What sort of things?
PRELATE
Oh, things; you know the things that writers write: those sorts of things.
REPORTER
Can you be a little more specific?
PRELATE
How is that?
REPORTER
Can you tell us the focus of his literary endeavors.
PRELATE
How is that?
REPORTER
What did he write?
PRELATE
Oh, you know: words, sentences, paragraphs. He didn't spell so good, though.
REPORTER
Tell me, Mr. Workum, did Delbert show any distinct personality change or mood change?
PRELATE
Yes, he did. About a year and a half ago, he seemed to become depressed.
REPORTER
What, do you think, was the cause of his depression?
PRELATE
I talked to him for a long time about it. I had to spend many hours talking to him, trying to reassure him, trying to gain his confidence. Finally I found out the cause.
REPORTER
Yes, yes, what was it?
PRELATE.
Delbert said he was despondent over the breakup of AT&T and the Bell System.
REPORTER
You mean the dismantling of the phone company?
PRELATE
The New York Telephone Company was very dear to him. Some of his most early, cherished criminal experiences involved robbing coin boxes of pay phones in Grand Central Station.
REPORTER
I see.
PRELATE
He often spoke tenderly of one special pay phone that he liked to stuff.
REPORTER
Stuff?
PRELATE
You know, he’d shove a wad of cotton in the coin return chute, then come back later, pull out the cotton, and collect the money.
REPORTER
I'm amazed that Delbert felt so strongly about any big industrial enterprise.
PRELATE
Oh, he did; he most certainly did. Once, after he had stolen some pocket computers from Macy's, he spent an hour lecturing me on how much computer miniaturization technology, integrated circuit technology, had been developed at Bell Laboratories.
REPORTER
Did you try to influence Delbert for the better? Did you try to instill him with morality or religion?
PRELATE
Religion? How would I do that? I'm a model.
REPORTER
You mean you serve as a model of decorous, proper behavior.
PRELATE
No, I model clothes.
REPORTER
Clothes?
PRELATE
When I lived with Delbert, I modeled brassieres, panties, and girdles, an occasional slip.
REPORTER
What about now?
PRELATE
Today I'm posing for an Irish beer ad, Blarney Stone Dew. This is a wig I'm wearing. (PRELATE removes red wig to reveal a full head of green hair.)
REPORTER
Thank you very much, Mr. Cecil Workum. Now back to New York.
(REPORTER and PRELATE exit. Lights come up.)
DAN
A nut. A nut who's also a fruit. (yells) Sam, Sam get in here.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (runs in)
The reception was great, Dan. We've got the whole interview on tape.
DAN
Sam, so help me god, if you ever do a thing like that again, I'm going
to shake that empty head of yours until you foam like a daiquiri.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What did I do?
DAN
What did you do? You made me use the bird for that ridiculous interview. Our studio in London should have sent the videocassette surface mail. Do you know how much that time on the bird will cost? Jim Lake would be furious if he found out; you know how he is about saving money.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
I'm sorry.
DAN
Next time, think for a minute.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Yes, Dan.
(OSCAR enters holding some notes)
DAN
How did the interview go, Oscar?
OSCAR
Don't ask.
DAN
Senator Ratchet is certainly photogenic. What an attractive man. He
once told me that his waist now is exactly the same as it was in college,
a 34.
OSCAR
That's about five points higher than his IQ.
DAN
I hope you weren't doing your Mike Wallace imitation during the interview, grilling the man...
OSCAR
Until he began to sizzle.
DAN
Oscar -- Oh, what's the use?
OSCAR
I had to do it, I'm sorry.
DAN
That journalistic integrity again. God, Oscar, your interview was supposed to be the key part of a Ratchet documentary. You know how hot Jim Lake is to see old Ratchet reelected to the Senate.
OSCAR
I'm goddam tired of hearing about what Jim Lake wants and doesn't want, and...
DAN
Please, not so loud. He's down there on the floor someplace.
OSCAR
You don't have to whisper; we're not broadcasting.
DAN
(to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
Sam, find the tape of that interview. Destroy it.
OSCAR
What?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
A-roll and B-roll, both?
DAN
Everything.
OSCAR
Sam, you will not do that. I am the editor of this broadcast.
DAN (to DICK)
Evans, find Senator Ratchet. Tell him the tape of his interview was…was…was not of an adequate technical quality to broadcast. That sounds good, doesn't it?
OSCAR (to DAN)
What in hell do you think you're doing?
DAN
This is for your own good. Sam, see if you can find another reporter to re-do the interview. Allez-y. Go to it.
DICK
Do we have a reporter named Alezy, Mr. Kleinbart?
DAN
I thought you spoke French, kid. Didn't you write that on your resumé? Forget it. Just do what I tell you.
(DICK and ASSISTANT DIRECTOR exit)
OSCAR(to DAN)
You have about as much integrity as a toilet seat.
DAN
We've been friends a long time. I'm not going to let you insult me.
OSCAR
You were never my friend. You were my producer.
DAN
I can tell you're venting your Oedipal feelings. Go ahead. It's good for you.
OSCAR
You are systematically, methodically trying to undermine my authority.
DAN
No matter how loud your voice gets, your father is never going to hear you.
OSCAR
If you just heard me, I would feel I had accomplished something.
DAN
You should have resolved these conflicts before adolescence.
OSCAR
At least you could have the decency not to turn my last few broadcasts into oatmeal.
DAN
You're asking for too much.
OSCAR
Alright. It's OK for me. I've been through this before with newspapers. But you're going to get it too. Don't kid yourself.
DAN
Think whatever you want to.
OSCAR
If little Danny is a good boy and can raise the ratings of his show, maybe Uncle Jim will make him president of the network.
DAN
I never plan so far in advance. I try to live from day to day.
OSCAR
But not chairman, remember. Only Uncle Jim can have that job. And when you're of no more use to him, out you go.
DAN
All this anger and bitterness aren't doing you any good. Try and control yourself.
OSCAR
I've done that all my life. Now maybe it's time for a change.
DAN
There's still a chance they might keep you on as special correspondent.
OSCAR
Where did you hear that?
DAN
A very reliable source-in the industry,
OSCAR
Who? Don't tell me: your brother-in-law, the television repairman.
DAN
A good journalist never reveals his confidential sources.
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR rushes in with a handful of wire copy)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Look at this. We've got to change the lineup again.
DAN
What now?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
The mayor hasn't been shot.
OSCAR
Thank goodness.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
He's choking to death.
DAN
Where? How do you know?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Our city Hall Correspondent just called. It's on the AP wire too.
His Honor was eating in a Chinese restaurant. You know how he gobbles his food. He inhaled something, a hunk of food.
DAN
What about a camera crew, Have you ordered a camera crew?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
They're on the way.
DAN
Have they got the color minicamera with the indoor filters and the balanced lighting? I want good shots of his face if they get there when it's still purple.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
They've got the right camera; don't worry.
(JIM LAKE enters)
JIM
What a mob down there. Twice I was nearly crushed or trampled. It's dinnertime. Why aren't they at dinner?
DAN
Hello, Jim, how are you?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Hello, Mr. Lake.
JIM (to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
I don't believe we've met.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR(shakes hands with JIM LAKE)
Sam Zuckerman, Mr. Lake. I'm one of the assistant directors of the evening news.
JIM
Learning the ropes from Dan, here, eh?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Yes, Mr. Lake.
JIM
Call me JIM.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Yes, Jim.
JIM
(to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
Fighting that crowd made me awfully thirsty. Run downstairs, will you, kid, and get me a large Budweiser from the refreshment stand.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Yes, Jim.
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR exits)
JIM
So, boys, how's it going? Any news?
DAN
We just got a bulletin, Jim. The mayor is choking to death in a Chinese restaurant.
JIM
On his own words, no doubt. Hah, hah.
(DAN gives a long, loud forced laugh. OSCAR barely smiles.)
JIM
Dan, have you got the finished script for the Ratchet documentary?
DAN
Yes, Jim. The writer finished it about two hours-ago.
(DAN picks up script from anchor desk and hands it to JIM.)
JIM
This looks like a half hour script. I thought I told you that I wanted an hour show.
DAN
Oh, yes, Jim, you did tell me. You see, we figured on fifteen, maybe twenty minutes of interviews, spontaneous and unscripted.
(JIM opens script and begins to read. He sits down next to OSCAR at anchor desk.)
JIM
I hope the son of a bitch dies.
OSCAR
Senator Ratchet?
JIM
Not Ratchet. Where is your brain, Oscar? That horse's ass of a mayor.
DAN
He is a horse's ass.
JIM
Goddam crude bastard. He talks like a Seventh Avenue delicatessen counterman. And abrasive as hell. A year ago I was at City Hall to receive a medal of commendation for advising the emergency financial control board and the Municipal Assistance Corporation. You know what His Honor said to me? He'd give me another medal if I stopped stinking up the place with my cigar.
(JIM continues to inspect the script)
OSCAR
Jim, I've been meaning to ask you...
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR enters with beer.)
JIM to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
What took you so long? I told you to run, didn't I?
ASSISTANT-DIRECTOR
I'm sorry, Mr. Lake...
JIM
Jim, call me Jim.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
I'm sorry, Jim, the line was enormous.
(JIM takes a sip of the beer.)
JIM
This isn't Budweiser.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
They only had Miller.
DAN
You should have gone to the store across the street, Sam. Go back and get the Budweiser.
JIM (to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
Next time, This is OK for now. (JIM begins reading through script. He does not take his eyes off script during next few lines.) Did you say something Oscar?
OSCAR
We can talk about it later. It's nothing.
JIM
Tell me now. I hate surprises.
OSCAR
I wondered about staying on as special correspondent. My agent called the news director about it but hasn't heard anything.
JIM
Who wrote this script, Dan?
DAN
Sherman Kagan.
JIM
Here he's describing the Senator's birthplace in Mierda, New Mexico. Doesn't he have the sense not to do that when the birthplace has been turned into a funeral home? Oscar, have you ever heard of such a thing?
OSCAR
Not recently.
DAN
We'll delete it. Sam, call Sherman Kagan. Tell him we want him here immediately, immediately -- have you got that?-- to rewrite his Ratchet documentary script.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Yes, Dan.
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR picks up phone, begins punching buttons.)
JIM
Look at this; can you believe this? Here the fool has written a description of the Senator's boyhood basement workshop and orders shots of it today.
DAN
That should be inspirational for young viewers.
JIM
The workshop is now the embalming room of the funeral home.
DAN
Sam, have you gotten hold of Sherman?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (into phone)
Thanks, Mrs. Kagan. (to DAN) He said he was going to be working late.
DAN
Try his mistress, that oriental girl.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
She's not oriental; she's recovering from hepatitis.
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR is punching buttons on phone again.)
OSCAR
I'd love to do one program a month, Jim.
JIM
One program of what? What are you talking about?
OSCAR
As special correspondent.
JIM
Oh, that.
OSCAR
I'd like to do programs on science, astronomy. Some of my highest rated broadcasts were on the lunar probes.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (into phone)
Is this Thelma Nagel?
JIM (to ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)
I want to talk to Kagan. I ought to fire him on the spot, the blockhead.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR(into phone)
This is Sam Zuckerman at USBC...Hi, how're you? ...Listen, Thelma, is Sherman there?...It's'important, it's urgent...Oh...Thanks. (He breaks connection.) They were making love; Sherman ejaculated prematurely. She thinks he ran off to see either his sex therapist or his analyst. (He writes down phone number.) She only knew the phone number of the sex therapist.
DAN
Jesus.
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR punches buttons on phone.)
OSCAR
Twelve reports a year: I could easily handle that.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR The sex therapist doesn't answer.
DAN
He's probably getting laid.
OSCAR
What do you say, Jim?
JIM
Dan, I want that script rewritten in 24 hours.
DAN
Yes, Jim.
OSCAR
Twelve broadcasts, Jim.
JIM
I don't know.
OSCAR
Eight shows. They'll be the best I've ever done.
JIM
I'll think about it.
OSCAR
Think about it? What is there to think about? I've been with this company thirty years, twenty-three as anchor. I was once the highest rated anchor in the northeast.
JIM
Once you were, Oscar -- once.
OSCAR
You can't shut me out.
JIM
Look, I'm only the chairman of the company. I have a responsibility to our stockholders. The audience simply doesn't respond to you anymore.
OSCAR
Respond? What does that mean?
JIM
You're a great journalist. But you've got a brooding sense of life. You're a very difficult fellow, very dark outlook. You always took too many risks during the war. You flew on B-17 bombing raids when you could have gotten the same information interviewing the returning pilots.
OSCAR
How dare you say such a thing. How dare you. I won a Pulitzer Prize for the story I wrote on the bomber pilots.
JIM
You're not a happy fellow. Too bad, really, but our audience wants a happy fellow.
OSCAR
(He bangs his hand on the desk) A happy fellow? That's a ridiculous thing to say. I've devoted eighteen hours a day, six, sometimes seven days a week to produce accurate, objective journalism, and...
JIM
Objective, are you? You journalists are all alike. You say you're objective, but none of you is. You, especially, Oscar. I've had to watch you constantly. You always want to make personal remarks and inject your own opinions. I'm tired of fighting with you.
(JIM stands and walks to exit)
JIM
(signals with his hand)
Dan.
DAN (Runs to JIM)
Yes, Jim.
JIM (He puts his arm around DAN and speaks in a stage whisper)Oscar's contract has three and a half weeks left to run. I want you in the control room whenever he's on the air. If he should ever begin to denounce the network, cut him off. I'll see that he's immediately terminated. Watch him carefully.
DAN
Yes, Jim.
(JIM exits)
DAN (walking slowly back to anchor desk)
Oscar, you're a ... you just don't know when ... What's wrong with you?
OSCAR
(A mildly terrified look has crossed his face. He begins to breathe in larger and larger gasping breaths while clutching the left side of his chest with his right hand.)
It's nothing.
DAN
Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?
OSCAR
My heart. I think it's my heart.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
I'll call 911. We'll get an ambulance.
OSCAR
No. No ambulances. No hospitals. (He struggles to reach into his pocket, extract his wallet, pull out a business card.) My doctor. Call him.
DAN (Takes card and reads it)
Krishna Singh, M.D. 620 Park Avenue. Oscar, you need to be in a hospital.
OSCAR
No.
DAN
Alright. Have it your own way. (He picks up phone and dials.)
Curtain