Twenty minutes have elapsed. OSCAR is now stretched out in a chair in front of the anchor desk. His arms and legs are wired to the leads of a small portable electrocardiograph. His shirt is partly raised and a chest lead with a balloon is attached over his left breast. DR. KRISHNA SINGH, a very dark-skinned Indian physician with a full black beard and turban, dressed in a well-tailored three piece business suit, is tearing the cardiogram from the machine. DAN KLEINBART looks on. DR. SINGH holds a hypodermic syringe in one hand. OSCAR is much improved and breathes only slightly more rapidly than normal. His right sleeve is rolled up.
DR. SINGH
Are you feeling better, Mr. Klinger?
OSCAR
Yes, thanks.
DR. SINGH
I've given you an injection of digoxin. You should be taking more. How many are you taking a day?
OSCAR
One pill.
DR. SINGH
That's 0.25. You should be taking 0.75, three pills a day.
OSCAR
I will.
(DR. SINGH kneels, raises OSCAR's pant leg, and presses for a moment with his index finger at various points along OSCAR's shinbone)
DR. SINGH
You say you will; then you don't. Now you have two plus pitting edema of your ankles.
DAN
Say that in English, doc.
DR. SINGH
Without the digoxin, the heart is failing; it can't pump enough fluid. Mr. Klinger, you are the worst patient I have ever had. In India when I was a medical student, I had patients who were peasants, Dravidian coolies; and even they had more concern for their health than you have for yours.
OSCAR
Don't worry, Dr. Singh, I think I'm getting better.
DR. SINGH
The last patient who said that to me was the Rajah of Hyderabad. He was
bitten in the leg by a king cobra that had slithered under the front seat of his Bentley.
DAN
What happened to him?
DR. SINGH
He junked the Bentley and bought a Honda.
OSCAR
What about my cardiogram.
DR. SINGH
It's not worse, but it's not better, either. (He looks over cardiogram) You still have very abnormal ST segments and T waves, especially in the chest leads. Your heart is not getting enough blood. (He takes a stethoscope from his pocket and listens to OSCAR's heart).
OSCAR
(After DR. SINGH has finished listening with stethoscope)
How's my aortic valve? (To DAN) I have a leaky aortic valve.
DR. SINGH
Your diastolic murmur isn't any louder, which means the leak isn't worse. But your cardiogram shows a heart block. You need a pacemaker.
OSCAR
I may need one, but I don't want one. (He lights up a cigarette and takes a few deep drags.)
DR. SINGH
Without the pacemaker, Mr. Klinger, your heart failure is becoming
harder to control with drugs. And you should stop smoking. (DR. SINGH reaches into his black bag, inserts a new ampoule into syringe, and tears open a cotton swab.) Roll up your other sleeve, please.
OSCAR
What now?
DR. SINGH
I'm going to give you an injection of Lasix, a diuretic, to help get rid of some fluid. (He does, then removes the cardiogram wires and repacks the machine.) It's going to make you urinate.
OSCAR
I wonder if transcendental meditation might help me. Tell me, Dr. Singh, can you give me a mantra?
DR. SINGH
I am a cardiologist, Mr. Klinger, not a guru.
DAN
I remember an article about a guru named Krishna Singh.
DR. SINGH
Singh is a very common Indian surname. It belongs to the warrior caste, the Sikhs. Krishna is also a popular name, the name of a god, an incarnation of Vishnu.
DAN
I love the oriental religions: so many gods; I hated Hebrew school when I was a kid. Monotheism is boring; it's like a bad play with only one character.
DR. SINGH
Krishna is a favorite god in India. He was a great lover, very attractive to women.
OSCAR
But he could slay and destroy, too.
DR. SINGH
Ahh, I did not know that you were so well versed in Hindu mythology, Mr. Klinger.
OSCAR
I interviewed Robert Oppenheimer after the first atom bomb was detonated at Los Alamos. Oppenheimer knew Indian mythology from studying Sanskrit and reading the Bhagavad-Gita. After the glare of the bomb had faded, Oppenheimer told me that some words of Krishna's in the Bhagavad-Gita floated through his mind: "I am become death, the shatterer of worlds."
DR. SINGH
Krishna was trying to persuade a prince to do his duty. As a doctor, I have often coveted Krishna's powers of persuasion. Why can't I persuade you, Mr. Klinger, to do what you should?
OSCAR
The deeds of Krishna and his prince changed history, changed the way men thought about their world. I can't do that.
DR. SINGH
Your broadcast is excellent, Mr. Klinger. It is an asset to our society.
DAN(To Oscar)
Where was this guy when Nielsen was sticking his little boxes on the backs of people's TV sets?
DR. SINGH
Call my secretary for an appointment, Mr. Klinger. I would like to repeat your cardiogram next week. Good evening, gentlemen. (He exits)
(OSCAR straightens his clothing and rises a little unsteadily to his feet.)
OSCAR
Can you believe that I was a star tackle on the Ohio State football team in my college days?
DAN
You still have fans, Oscar. The Sikhs love you.
OSCAR
Probably because I'm part Indian.
DAN
Really? I didn't know that.
OSCAR
My great grandmother was a Comanche.
(KITTY LITTER enters. She is an attractive woman in her forties and wears sunglasses. She is furious.)
KITTY
Oscar, you did it again, dammit.
OSCAR
Did what, Kitty? What are you talking about?
KITTY
You called me Kitty Litter on the air.
OSCAR
No I didn't.
KITTY
Don't lie to me. You called me Kitty Litter during your 5 PM lead in today.
OSCAR
(He thinks for a moment, then puts his hand against his cheek.)
Oh, I think I may have...
KITTY
(She angrily reaches into her small briefcase and pulls out a contract.) Oscar, you know very well the terms of my new contwact. (She thumbs through contract, finds appropriate section, switches sunglasses for half moon reading glasses in the briefcase) On page 6, clause 22, line 4, my contwact clearly states, and I quote, "On the air, the aforementioned artist shall hereinafter be referred to only as Kathy Litter or Ms. Litter, Any names heretofore used, specifically Kitty Litter, are hereby stwongly interdicted and will not be hereinafter tolerated."
OSCAR
I'm sorry, truly I am. I've known you so many years, and you were always Kitty. I promise not to let it happen again.
KITTY
(somewhat mollified, she returns contract to briefcase)
It must be over a hundred outside, and it's past 5 PM. Eighth Avenue
feels like the inside of the Pink Pussycat Baths. Thank god for air conditioning.
DAN
This is definitely the hottest day we've had all year.
KITTY
(She suddenly looks around nervously)
The telepwompter, where's the telepwompter? Oscar, did you have the telepwompter taken away again? If you did, I'm going to...
DAN
Don't worry, it's...
KITTY
(She reaches in briefcase again for contract)
My contwact clearly states on page 10, clause 47...
DAN
Kitty, there was something wrong with it. They took it back to the studio about 4:30, right after Sam Zuckerman saw it wasn't working. We'll have a replacement before your broadcast. Relax.
OSCAR
You'll do just as well without the teleprompter. Reading from a script
on your desk is more natural.
KITTY
We've been through this a hundred times, I'm too hot and tired to argue with you about telepwompters today.
OSCAR
Teleprompters are nothing but a showbiz gimmick. I'm a journalist, and the audience knows I'm a journalist, and I read from my script on the desk.
DAN
A little practice and you would have mastered teleprompters easily.
OSCAR
I used a teleprompter once on the air; that was enough. First the director began writing strange words in the margin of the script, like "Full-Frame Adda." I had no idea what they meant. I thought "Full-Frame Adda" was the name of a hooker,
KITTY
If you didn't know what the words meant, you should have asked.
OSCAR
Then the girl operating the damned teleprompter started rolling the script by me too fast. I was speaking so rapidly I sounded like a Munchkin.
DAN
She was probably trying to adjust her speed to yours.
OSCAR
Finally, as I was reading, a whole bunch of gibberish appeared in place of my script.
KITTY
We all know that telepwompters are unreliable, Oscar; you have to flip the script pages on your desk to keep pace with words on the screen. Then if something happens, you look down and keep weading.
OSCAR
I started as a print journalist. I'll stick to printed pages, thank you.
(KITTY sits at her place at anchor desk, flips through some papers)
KITTY
You won't believe the two interviews I did this afternoon: Otis T. Favel and Sheikh Abdul Azziz.
DAN
Favel? Isn't he the leader of the National Nudist Party?
KITTY
Nope, he's the pwesidential candidate of the National Vegetarian Party. You might be interested to know, Oscar, that the economic problems facing the country today can be traced to a single root cause.
0SCAR
What's that?
KITTY
Chronic constipation.
DAN
I knew it all along.
KITTY
According to Otis T. Favel, Americans eat too much meat, and meat is constipating. All of the time we spend stwaining on the pot is sapping our economic strength.
OSCAR
Is Sheikh Abdul Azziz the Arab who's one of the New Jersey delegates?
KITTY
Wrong. Sheikh Abdul Azziz is the New Jersey delegate.
DAN
New Jersey has 47 delegates this year.
KITTY
Last week they had 47 delegates. As of this week they have only one.
DAN
What happened to the other 46?
KITTY
Last week, Sheikh Abdul Azziz wanted to buy a sweater for a eunuch who guards his harem in Bahrain. The Sheikh was staying in the Waldorf, and he asked his slightly retarded bwother, Prince Ahmed, to go downstairs to the shop across the street, a clothing store, to buy the sweater.
DAN
So?
KITTY
Prince Ahmed went to a real estate office by mistake; and Sheikh Abdul had asked him to buy a new Jersey.
DAN
Oh, no.
KITTY
It took the broker two hours to buy the entire state for them, and James Watt sold the fedewally owned land in another 45 minutes.
DAN
You look a little pained, Oscar.
OSCAR
It's nothing, only Dr. Singh's medicine working on me. I wish they had put this booth a little closer to the men's bathroom.
(OSCAR exits)
KITTY
Poor Oscar. It's sad to see him like this. I remember him when I first started as a local news weporter. He was so driving, so energetic, until his son died last year.
DAN
The miraculous thing was, all that driving energy, all that intense competitiveness never appeared on screen. It probably would have frightened his audience. He always looked so calm, so impartial, like everybody's Uncle Oscar. People trusted him.
KITTY
People trusted him because he's truly a moral, trustworthy person. Even though I fought with him many times, I wespect him. When I was hired, I was the only woman reporter. I did stories on fashion, children, cooking. The bosses I had, all men, told me I had to go to bed with them if I expected to succeed.
DAN
No kidding.
KITTY
Oscar was the only boss who never harassed me.
DAN
Soon maybe you'll be the boss, Kitty.
KITTY
What? Weally? How do you know? Who told you?
DAN
Well...
KITTY
I saw Jim Lake leaving. Did he weveal something.
DAN
He said everything is still up in the air.
KITTY
Oh, wats, I thought you weally had something to tell me.
DAN
Oscar's out of the running: that I can tell you.
KITTY
Are you sure? I thought Jim was going to wait for a survey from Marketing Evaluation before he made up his mind.
DAN
His mind is made up.
KITTY
This suspense is dwiving me cwazy, not knowing whether we're going to have to move to Washington or not. Evelyn hasn't slept in weeks. She tosses and turns and then I can't sleep.
DAN
Evelyn worked here for three years, didn't she? She knows what kind of life a journalist has. What's she doing now, anyhow?
KITTY
Carving things. She's selling some of them.
DAN
You both should try to relax. It's between you and Frank; and you have an edge.
KITTY
You mean because I'm female.
DAN
Of course, your being the only female national anchor would be a plus. But that's not all you've got going for you. Everybody saw what Frank did last month.
KITTY
The little flub on camera?
DAN
It was no little flub.
KITTY
The telepwompter malfunctioned. The press attention it got was ridiculous.
DAN
I checked that teleprompter myself right after it happened. The thing was working perfectly, and still Frank managed to slur one word after another on the air. His report ran twice the length we had allotted it, and during prime time. We had to cut a seven-hundred-thousand dollar commercial that General Motors had already paid for.
KITTY
It was an expensive little flub.
DAN
You know Frank's agent, Ira Feldstein?
KITTY
Bottom line Ira?
DAN
They should give Bottom Line Ira a Clio for his excuse. He claimed that Frank had suffered a deviated septum when he was struck in the face by a sailboat boom last summer. Sailboat boom, hell, he got the deviated septum when he was struck in the face by a big blond sailor in the East Village whose balls he was fondling.
KITTY
I thought the reconstructive surgery on his nose had fixed it.
DAN
According to Bottom Line Ira, Frank was still in pain and had considerable reaction to the accident and the surgery. He was taking codeine for pain, Ira said, and returned two weeks too soon. The lights were hot, he hadn't eaten, he was weak, etcetera, etcetera.
KITTY
I believe him.
DAN
Come on, don't be so gullible. We all know old Frank is snorting coke.
KITTY
As much as I dislike him, I have to tell you that's nothing but a silly wumor.
DAN
Yesterday I saw a photograph of Frank in the hallway. Somebody had taped a straw to his nose.
KITTY
Oscar taught me many things about this business, especially about the importance of eyewitnesses and their testimony.
DAN
I know at least one person who's seen the cocaine, the pipes, and all the rest of Frank's drug paraphernalia. I know of another who saw him when he was so doped up, she was scared to be in his presence.
KITTY
I can't believe any of these wumors. Have you ever seen Frank drink? A glass of wine in a week is a lot for him. Dwugs are not his problem. Ambition is his problem.
DAN
His problem was probably a distant relationship with his mother. I bet she never breast fed him. So now he's using coke; it's clearly an oral fixation.
KITTY
It sounds more like a nasal fixation. But even with whatever pwoblems he may have, he's still a superb weader of news. I can't compete with him there.
DAN
Why do you have to?
KITTY
I don't know how many hours I must have spent with speech thewapists by now. I wish I had a dollar for every time I repeated, "Around the rugged rock, the ragged rascal wan -- er, ran."
DAN
I've told you a hundred times, that problem amounts to very little. You shouldn't be self-conscious about it. If anything, it's your self-consciousness that might be a problem.
KITTY
It makes me different. It's always made me different, and I don't want to be different.
DAN
Viewers are willing to accept differences in people like you who are identifiably different. Look at Dan Dorfman, the CBS News Business Expert. He's short, he's bald; he has a mustache, a high-pitched voice, a Brooklyn accent.
KITTY
Maybe they think I have a Bronx accent.
DAN
My only suggestion would be to correct a little flaw in your interviewing technique.
KITTY
My interviewing technique? I'm the best interviewer in the network. I've had offers from CBS and NBC to do nothing but interviews. Haven't you wed my book, How to Talk to Practically Anybody Who's Not a Nobody? It's used in journalism courses to teach interviewing.
DAN
Kitty, when you have an interesting subject, your interviews are excellent. But you can sometimes lose interest quickly; when you do, you have a tendency to telegraph the fact to your viewers by leaning back in your chair. My suggestion is to be aware of your boredom; when you begin to feel it, sit up straighter and lean forward slightly. Then the viewers will get the impression that you're becoming more interested rather than less interested. The thing that counts is not whether you're interested, but whether you seem interested.
KITTY
I think Frank has me beat, the bastard, no matter how interested I seem.
DAN
Don't be so pessimistic. He's as worried as you are.
KITTY
He doesn't look it.
DAN
Lately he's been talking about heroic deeds. He thinks that if he can convince the audience he's a hero, he'll finally be a shoo-in for anchor.
KITTY
Have you told him to try reading three syllable words? With his dyslexia, that would be definitely hewoic.
DAN
He keeps talking about how Dan Rather dressed himself in native garb to interview Afghan rebels. Frank is looking for some kind of stunt like that, mark my words.
KITTY
What I need is another stunt like the one with the twelve-year-old boy in Philadelphia. Only this one needs a little publicity.
DAN
Frank's being more careful now. I think he's spending more time in the tea room under Bloomingdale's.
KITTY
Tea room under Bloomingdale's? What are you ... there's no tea room under Bloomingdale's.
DAN
The men's lavatory in the subway stop: the most popular tea room in the city.
(OSCAR enters, carrying a piece of pie and glass of milk)
DAN
How are you feeling, Oscar? Any better?
OSCAR
A little, thanks. I bought some pie and milk. I thought a bit of food might help me; but my stomach is queasy from the stench of that men's room. It smells like a Polish cathouse. (OSCAR sets pie and milk on anchor desk, picks up some papers from desk, then goes to ancient Underwood Typewriter USR and begins typing quite rapidly)
KITTY
Did you have to cart that noisy antique here, Oscar?
OSCAR
Antique? Are you talking about Geraldine?
KITTY
I'm talking about that 1910 Underwood you're banging on.
OSCAR
I've had a longer and more amicable relationship with Geraldine, here, than with any woman I've ever known -- except maybe you, Kitty. She's been with me every day, and yet I still love her.
DAN
You're the last of a dying breed. All the rest of us have gone to computers and word processors; you're still pounding away on that piece of junk.
OSCAR
Geraldine has been with me since I was a kid working on the Kansas City Star, and she's going to be with me when I die. Today, old is bad. Everyone and everything has to be young and new. You don't have integrated circuits, or you get to be sixty-five, and somebody's going to walk up to you, tell you you're a piece of junk, and try to toss you on the scrap heap. I can pound out a better lead on Geraldine than any of these kids they're hiring today can produce on fancy IBM word juicers; hell, most of them can't even write.
DAN
You came up through the world of print journalism.
OSCAR
What's wrong with that? Ink has purity, a kind of holiness.
DAN
Electronic journalism is different. You've never been able to accept that simple fact, despite all the years you've spent here.
OSCAR
How should I accept it? By becoming an actor? A media pretty boy?
KITTY
Everyone and everything must adapt. That's the story of life on earth; that's the weason for evolution.
OSCAR
I fail to see the relationship between evolution and journalism.
KITTY
Look at what a woman has to do to adapt to a man's world: At the first meeting I attended when I started work here, someone said, "That sounds like a panic pass."
OSCAR
So?
KITTY
How is a woman supposed to know what a panic pass is? That's football jargon. When I found out what a panic pass was, I thought the metaphor was silly. What do sports have to do with business? I only began to understand what was going on after I started attending football games.
DAN
Women would be better off without the kind of adaptation you're talking about. A woman with femininity has been taught from childhood that it's impolite to interrupt. After she's worked here for a few months, she'll barge right in on anyone who's speaking. She loses all her femininity.
KITTY
You know what happens if she doesn't intewupt? She sits waiting for hours
for her turn to speak, while her male colleagues at any meeting will continually gwab the floor by intewupping the speaker. Competitive turn taking, they call it. Pretty soon, she begins to look dumb; the men think she doesn't have anything to say at all.
DAN
Not necessarily. You know what they say about still waters running deep.
KITTY
In our male-dominated culture, still waters form the pool of the unemployed.
DAN
Women should make some effort to sound like women.
KITTY
You know how a woman sounds? Tentative. In a westauwant, a man will
say, "I'll have a chopped liver sandwich," or "Gimme a chopped liver sandwich." A woman will say, "I'll have a chopped liver sandwich, please?" In a business meeting, nobody will pay attention to her if she always turns declarative sentences into questions. At a news conference, she might say, "Don't you think it would be better to weport that story first?" Then a man would agree; he'd say, "Yes, it would be better," Everybody else at the conference will think it was the man's idea, because the woman never claimed it was hers.
DAN
These ideas of yours are nothing but rationalizations. You know the real problem?
KITTY
Tell me the weal problem.
DAN
You have a castration complex, a classic case. What you're demonstrating is nothing but pure penis envy.
KITTY
Now let me tell you something, Dr. Freud. The penises in this place wouldn't provoke anybody's envy.
OSCAR
Touché! Score one for Kitty. (He applauds)
DAN
Is that so? Then why do you always wear that little gold penis?
KITTY
What little gold penis?
DAN
The one on your charm bracelet.
KITTY
(Holds up bracelet)
You mean this? (She points to charm) Put on your glasses, Dan. See, it's not a penis; it's a uterus.
DAN
My god, you're right. Isn't it cute. Where did you get it?
KITTY
I bought it on Mother's Day at Cartier.
DAN
Your concession to motherhood?
KITTY
I don't think celebwities should have children. Fame and child rearing are like oil and water: they don't mix.
DAN
Not necessarily. Look at Walter Cronkite's three kids; they seem to have survived adolescence.
KITTY
Have you talked to Nancy, the oldest daughter, recently?
DAN
A beautiful girl, an actress. She had a role in the film Murphy's Law.
KITTY
How will she make personal appearance tours? "I'm fwightened in planes," she says. "I'm fwightened in sailboats. I get bored on trains; I get sick on buses; I get fwightened in other people cars half the time." She doesn't even drive.
OSCAR
(quietly and ruefully) When the child is crushed by the parent's fame and starts on drugs, then...
DAN
You shouldn't keep blaming yourself. You did everything you could.
KITTY
You promised to show me that last picture, Oscar, and...
DAN
Kitty, stop, will you? We have a broadcast to put together here.
OSCAR
No, it's all right. (He pulls out wallet, takes out snapshot and hands it
to KITTY)
KITTY
What a handsome boy. What show was this?
OSCAR
He was playing Bert Jefferson in The Man Who Came to Dinner at the Riverside Art Theater. Look at the review Frank Rich wrote in the Times. (He removes a carefully folded newspaper clipping from wallet and hands to KITTY)
KITTY (reads) ...But undoubtedly the finest performer is Peter Klinger in the role of Bert Jefferson. Mr. Klinger's ebullience, combined with a consummate professionalism, creates a thoroughly engaging portwayal of the small town newspaper editor...
DAN
Life goes on. We all have to keep going.
(KITTY hands clipping back to OSCAR, who carefully returns it to his wallet. OSCAR then begins typing rapidly. KITTY reads over his shoulder.)
KITTY
Delbert Knudson? Why are you writing about him?
OSCAR
Haven't you heard? He's threatened to upset this convention.
KITTY
With one of his little bombs?
OSCAR
Bombs? What bombs?
KITTY
There was a small story about him in the paper last year -- the Post, as I wecall. He was arrested trying to sell a new bomb he had invented to Libya.
OSCAR
What kind of bomb?
KITTY
The ultimate weapon for urban guerrilla warfare -- the exploding cockroach.
(The sound of a march played by a brass band is heard)
DAN
There they go. Pretty soon we'll get to hear the planks in the platform.
KITTY
Hearing planks is better than smelling delegates. Most of them week of liquor.
DAN
Just remember, it was worse when we had to do gavel to gavel coverage.
(The music stops suddenly in the middle of a march)
DAN
That's funny. I wonder why the music stopped.
(After a moment, sirens are heard in the distance)
OSCAR
Could those be the sirens of a motorcade?
KITTY
Can you get hold of Fwank, Dan? He's down there someplace.
(DAN goes to pick up phone, but as he does, FRANK PANGBORN enters. FRANK is about the same age as KITTY, in his forties. He is wearing a blazer open, his tie loosened, his press credentials hanging around his neck. The seat of his pants has a jagged rip, and some underwear is showing.)
FRANK
I expect hazardous duty pay for covering this convention.
DAN
Frank, what's going on down there?
FRANK
Going on? What isn't going on? Didn't you hear the sirens?
OSCAR
We thought they were for a motorcade.
FRANK
Motorcade? Those sirens were the police bomb squad. I got too close to one of their German shepherds. (He indicates his ripped pants.) Kitty, go get a needle and thread and sew these up for me like a good girl.
KITTY
Don't pwovoke me, Frank, I'm warning you.
DAN
I'll get Dick Evans to sew you up. (He picks up phone, punches some buttons.)
Evans? I want you to run down the block to Woolworth, get a needle and some thread.
FRANK
Gray thread.
DAN
Gray thread and come back here with them.
FRANK
(He grabs phone from DAN) Make it snappy, Evans, you hear? Chop, Chop...We need a photo of a bomb to illustrate the story.
OSCAR
Some footage of the
bomber would be better.