scene one
The characters are in the same positions as they were at the end of Act Two.
DELBERT
What an interesting place. I've always wondered what a television studio looked like. (He walks around, inspecting the roan with quite a proprietary air.) Until further notice, feel free to regard me as the new owner. (He pulls a cigarillo from his pocket, then a match, walks up to the body of DICK EVANS, strikes match on sole of corpse's shoe, and lights cigarillo.) Tell me, who are those surprised looking chaps behind that big glass window? (He gestures stage right)
(There is a pause. DELBERT breathes noisily through his nose to show his annoyance.) Well?
DAN
They're our director and assistant director.
DELBERT
What are they doing in that little room?
DAN
That's our control room. The images from all the cameras and the sound from all the microphones are channeled there. The director decides which ones should be broadcast.
DELBERT
Can the two gentlemen hear me when I speak?
DAN
Oh, yes.
DELBERT
You two gentlemen will stay where you are, and keep your hands where I can see them ... Very good. Remember, I'm an expert marksman. I've been shooting since I was a boy.
DAN
Oh, we will.
(Three beeps are heard)
DELBERT
Please excuse me a moment. (He opens his coat and removes a radio relay pager clipped to his belt. He sets down his attaché case)
VOICE FROM BEEPER
Mr. Knudson, the ABC Gun Shop called. You have not yet paid your bill for introductory shooting lessons.
(DELBERT breathes noisily through his nose, stares malignantly at the beeper in his hand, then clips the beeper on his belt again.)
DELBERT
(to FRANK)
You, what do you do here?
FRANK
I'm Frank Pangborn. I'm a correspondent.
DELBERT
Why is your clothing splattered with food?
KITTY
He's a sloppy eater.
DELBERT
I see. And what do you do?
KITTY
What do I do?
DELBERT
Yes, what is your function?
KITTY
I'm Kathy Litter, a cowespondent.
DELBERT
Why, during a political convention, are correspondents sitting here idle? Shouldn't you have been out working, gathering news?...Well?
DAN
Pardon me, sir, if you please, they are working. You see, our evening news broadcast had just begun when you...uh...stopped by.
DELBERT
I tend to be quite critical of the press. Many of my most newsworthy accomplishments have received scant attention, or none at all.
DAN
Ahh. I sympathize with you. We often hear that complaint.
DELBERT
You were broadcasting, you say?
DAN
We are broadcasting. What's happening here right now is being witnessed in thirty million living rooms across America.
DELBERT
How delightful. (He pulls out a comb, runs it through his hair, straightens
his cravat; brushes his clothing. Then, to OSCAR:) Who are you?
DAN
May I introduce you to our anchorman, Oscar Klinger. He was just beginning the broadcast.
DELBERT (to OSCAR)
You're the anchorman?
OSCAR
For a short time longer, yes.
DELBERT
Why don't I recognize you?
OSCAR
Perhaps you're wearing your reading glasses.
DELBERT
By god, you're right. (He takes off glasses he is wearing, reaches in pocket, puts on another pair of glasses.) Now I recognize you.
OSCAR
You see, Dan, there's hope for me yet.
DELBERT
I've never liked you. I always preferred Dan Rather.
OSCAR
I'm sorry to hear that.
DELBERT
Nothing personal, I assure you. It's just your face. It has a lived in look.
OSCAR
It should. I've lived in it for quite some time now.
DELBERT
(to DAN, pointing gun) Not so close. You're coming too close to me. I must insist that you step back a few feet.
DAN (jumps backward) Yes, of course. Anything you say.
DELBERT
Should you come that close to me again, I regret to say that I would have to shoot you.
DAN
Yes, of course, anything you say.
DELBERT
Very good. Now that we've gotten through the introductions, I'd like
to hear what you know about me. (to FRANK) You, sir, what have you heard or read of me?
FRANK
(thinks a moment) Very little, I'm afraid.
KITTY
He's not a gweat reader.
DELBERT
Silence! (He breathes noisily through his nose.) It's incredible. If you're a news correspondent, how is it that you haven't heard of me?
OSCAR
Maybe you need a new press agent.
DELBERT
(turns on OSCAR menacingly, points gun at his chest) I've killed men for less than that remark...but this time, I shall let it pass. Just keep in mind, all of you, that my forbearance has distinct limits.
DAN
Yes, yes. We will, we will.
DELBERT
(with a little bow) Thank you. (to KITTY) Now you, what have you heard of me?
KITTY
I've wead that you invented a new kind of bomb.
DELBERT
You did?
KITTY
Yes, a cockwoach with a nuclear warhead.
DELBERT
No, you couldn't have read about that. I'm still working on it -- top secret, actually, although I've shown the plans to Colonel Khadafi and he's quite interested. You must have read about my exploding cockroach.
KITTY
Oh, yes, I believe you’re wight.
DELBERT
The exploding cockroach has been my greatest achievement. But I regret to say that at this time it remains a succés d'estime. I'd only sold a few to the Libyans when your federal agents swooped down and closed my manufactory. They were shockingly thorough; they confiscated every roach in the place.
OSCAR
Free enterprise has a tough time surviving in this country today -- too much government regulation.
DELBERT
Precisely. And despite the fact that I was furnishing gainful employment to one man, who has since moved to England and turned to modeling to support himself, I was incarcerated by your legal authorities.
(The telephone beeps. Oscar picks it up.)
OSCAR
Hello ... Yes, just a moment. (to DELBERT) It's for you.
DELBERT
Thank you. I must ask you to get up and step over there, if you please. (DELBERT gestures stage right. OSCAR gets up from anchor desk and sits in chair stage right. DELBERT sits in his spot at anchor desk and picks up phone.) Knudson here ...yes...you shall hear my demand shortly, and I intend to begin killing my hostages if it is not met ... yes ... a pleasure speaking with you. (DELBERT hangs up phone) Your police commissioner.
FRANK
What demand do you have? What do you want?
DELBERT
Patience, patience. That is the great problem with you Americans; you simply cannot wait for anything.
DAN
No, no. We'll be patient.
DELBERT
Thank you. (To OSCAR) Now you, sir. What have you heard of me?
OSCAR
I heard that you were involved in some sort of income tax protest, and that you had been in Rockland State, a mental hospital.
DELBERT
That’s a lie. (He breathes noisily through his nose.)
OSCAR
It's only something I read.
DAN
That's right. You can't believe everything you read.
DELBERT
A damnable, atrocious calumny. A horrid falsehood. (Beeper beeps three times. DELBERT removes it from his waist.) Pardon me.
VOICE FROM BEEPER
Mr. Knudson, your psychiatrist from Rockland State Hospital, Dr. Duck Kim, called. He says you have missed your last three appointments.
(DELBERT breathes noisily through his nose. He walks around desk, angrily throws beeper to floor, blasts it once with his gun, then gives it a good swift kick.)
DELBERT
(calmly) I see that there have been a number of misconceptions about my life.
I want now to be interviewed in detail so that these misconceptions may be cleared up.
DAN
Of course, of course.
DELBERT
Which one of you correspondents would like to interview me, so that the national television audience may know the truth? (There is a pause. No one answers.)
Well?
OSCAR
I'll interview you.
DELBERT
Very good. You may proceed.
OSCAR
First I'd like to ask about your childhood, your name in particular. You're obviously oriental, yet you have a western name.
DELBERT
Quite right. But, you see, I'm only half oriental. I was born in Shanghai, where my father was the British Consul, Lord Knudson.
OSCAR
And your mother?
DELBERT
Ah, well, since you ask, my mother was a...ah...hostess.
OSCAR
A hostess?
DELBERT
Yes, in an opium den. That's where she met my father.
OSCAR
Then you are a member of the British aristocracy.
DELBERT
In spirit, yes, certainly. But there was a slight legal impediment. My father was not married to my mother.
KITTY
Oh! That means you're a...uh... (DELBERT breathes noisily through his nose)
partial aristocwat.
DELBERT
To call me a partial aristocrat is actually to understate my social rank. I was educated at Eton. One of my half brothers is now Lord Knudson of High Dudgeon, having inherited the title from my father.
OSCAR
Tell us about the other brothers.
DELBERT
I have one other half brother, Simpson Knudson. He's the black sheep. Every family has one.
DAN
Oh, yes.
OSCAR
Why do you call him a black sheep?
DELBERT
In England Simpson became known as the Cuisinart Killer.
FRANK
He destroyed food processors?
DELBERT
No, not exactly. He had a peculiar loathing for prostitutes. He liked
to kill them and chop them up in a Cuisinart.
KITTY
How odd.
DELBERT
Quite an enterprising fellow, really. He added onion and snails to the remains. He sold the stuff to restaurants as French chicken salad.
DAN
You see, Oscar, you bought a piece of the wrong funeral parlor.
OSCAR
Was Simpson Knudson apprehended?
DELBERT
Yes, about two years ago -- an interesting story. It seems a girl who was quite popular among the homicide inspectors at Scotland Yard somehow found her way into Simpson's Cuisinart. This girl had a little rose tattoo on one breast. Well, about a week after the girl's disappearance, the chief homicide inspector was in a restaurant when he spotted the tattoo in the middle of his plate of French chicken salad.
OSCAR
Lucky that he liked nouvelle cuisine.
DELBERT
Not for poor Simpson, I'm afraid. He's been in Highgate Prison ever since.
OSCAR
Would you like to tell us more about your own background?
DELBERT
I think I've said quite enough for the time being. Perhaps we should get on to the demands I wish to make.
OSCAR
Yes, let's.
DELBERT
I have in my attaché case an object that will cause the biggest explosion ever witnessed in this city (He picks up attaché case.)
DAN
No, no, please don't.
DELBERT
And why shouldn't I?
DAN
Please don't set off your explosion. Please. I have a sick wife. I have 2 kids in college. I'm under-insured.
DELBERT
You said you wanted to learn more about me. Now you will.
DAN
Please don't. Please don't set off an explosion. The company will pay ransom. Whatever you want.
DELBERT
Silence!
DAN
Please reconsider, I beg you.
DELBERT
Don't come any closer or I shall have to shoot you.
DAN (jumps back) Oh, I'm sorry.
DELBERT
Now then. (He slowly opens briefcase. DAN turns away and covers his
ears. DELBERT withdraws from the case a telephone book-sized manuscript in a binder.) What I have written here will cause the greatest explosion this city has ever seen.
DAN
Written?
DELBERT
Yes, it's a diary I compiled during my short incarceration in Sing Sing, a shocking expose of conditions in prison.
KITTY
How intewesting.
DELBERT
And, furthermore, it's a work of literature. I've written much of it in unrhymed iambic pentameter.
FRANK
Most impressive.
DELBERT
Yet every publisher I've sent it to has refused to publish it. They've sent it back to me with a form letter. So I intend to read it, now, on the air, so that a publisher will accept it. Then I shall take this lady with me to the airport, where a plane must be waiting to fly me to Libya. Those are my demands. I shall now begin. (He opens manuscript) The title of my book is In the Bladder of the Beast.
FRANK
Pardon me, but how did you pick that title?
DELBERT
(breathes noisily through nose) I was placed in a cell with a leaky toilet, and the floor was always wet.
FRANK
I see.
DELBERT
I must insist that there be no more interruptions. Now then. (He puts on reading glasses, begins to read) "It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was pouring down in torrents, and the wind was whipping through the treetops. There were flashes of lightning and the rumble of thunder...
(the telephone beeps)
DAN
May I answer the phone?
DELBERT
Be quick about it.
DAN
Oh, yes, sir.
DELBERT
An author should not be interrupted when he's reading from his own work.
DAN
(answers phone) Yes? Quentin, yes, how are you?...You do?...You would?...Yes, just a minute. (to DELBERT) A famous author would like to speak with you. He wants to publish your book.
DELBERT
Just lay the receiver down and back up, if you please. (DAN does so. DELBERT walks behind anchor desk and picks up receiver.) Hello?..Yes? ...Oh, yes, what an honor to speak with you ... Yes, I just finished reading your book, Ancient Genitals ... Yes, I was...I never knew Babylonians had such colorful sex lives ... Yes...(As DELBERT is talking, he becomes more engrossed in conversation and turns stage left. As he does so, FRANK begins edging up on him from stage right. FRANK suddenly rushes at DELBERT, but as he does, DELBERT sees him and shoots. KITTY screams. FRANK is knocked backward by the impact of the bullet. He falls, writhes in agony, then is still.)
DELBERT
That was truly foolish of him, was it not? But then, I found him a boring person. He didn't have much to say.
OSCAR
(He begins advancing slowly on DELBERT) Alright, you've had your little game.
DELBERT
What? Do you wish to be another target?
OSCAR
(still advancing slowly) Hand over the gun.
DAN
Oscar, are you crazy?
DELBERT
Where do you prefer to be shot?
KITTY
Oscar, don't; you're committing suicide.
DELBERT
In your heart? In your fat stomach?
OSCAR
(to DELBERT) I'm only going to ask you nicely once more.
DELBERT
(He is becoming progressively more desperate and frightened.) Don't you come any closer; I'm warning you. Don't come closer. Don't. (DELBERT pulls trigger on his gun; it clicks but does not fire.)
OSCAR
(As he advances and grabs DELBERT) Empty?
DELBERT
Don't you touch me. Take your hands off me, you big ox.
(OSCAR has grabbed DELBERT's coat lapels and has hoisted him physically over the anchor desk. He slams DELBERT into front of desk, still gripping him tightly.)
DELBERT
No, no, please. Please don't hurt me. I beg you not to hurt me. (DELBERT meanwhile has managed to reach into one pocket and extract a handful of bullets.)
KITTY
Look out, Oscar. He's got more bullets. He's trying to reload the gun.
OSCAR
Yes?
(OSCAR now takes DELBERT by the throat with one hand and begins to squeeze. DELBERT-'s breathing becomes noisy.)
DELBERT
No, stop, please; you're squeezing my throat. You're choking me. I can't breathe. I can't...(DELBERT struggles for a moment, then the bullets and the
gun clatter to the floor, as DELBERT goes limp. There is banging on the entrance door and voices are heard off: "Open up! Open up! Police!)
Blackout
ACT THREE
scene two
Two hours later. OSCAR is sitting alone at his typewriter typing. After a minute, DAN enters.
DAN
What a night. You should have seen Roosevelt Hospital. You couldn't
get near the entrance without fighting your way through the picket line of the striking hospital workers and the police guards. On the inside, you couldn't get anyplace without fighting through the mobs of reporters.
OSCAR
I'm surprised. I thought every reporter in the northeast was jammed into this room. For the first time in my career, the media had become the story.
DAN
You know Frank is dead.
OSCAR
I heard.
DAN
He was dead on arrival, shot through the heart. They had to take his body to the morgue on First Avenue for the medical examiner's autopsy.
OSCAR
Did you notify his family?
DAN
Finally, but I had one tough time. He has a mother and a sister in Shawnee Mission, Kansas; I knew that, but I couldn't find the phone number. The operator wasn't even sure of the area code. I called Frank's secretary; she had to come in from Woodmere and go through his desk.
OSCAR
How did they take it?
DAN
Terribly. His mother was hysterical. She was screaming. His sister was a little better, but not much.
OSCAR
Too bad.
DAN
The funeral and the burial are going to be in Kansas. His secretary said she'd make the arrangements to ship the body.
OSCAR
What about Evans?
DAN
I know that his parents live in Hawaii, but I haven't been able to reach them. It's going to be terrible if they have to hear it on television before someone can talk to them.
(KITTY enters)
KITTY
(she runs up to OSCAR and kisses him on cheek) Oscar, my hewo. (she kisses him again) I've never been so scared. What an awful little man.
DAN
Worse than you think. The British police believe that Delbert is the Cuisinart killer. He matches their description, not that there's any urgency about the situation now.
KITTY
Why not?
DAN
He's in the medical intensive care unit at Roosevelt Hospital in a deep
coma on a respirator. The doctors doubt he'll ever wake up. His larynx was fractured and he was hardly breathing when he got to the hospital. There was apparently considerable brain damage.
OSCAR
Perhaps I was a little too rough with him.
KITTY
You were not. We thought he was going to kill you.
DAN
You were damned lucky his gun was empty.
OSCAR
I knew it was empty.
DAN
You knew? How did you know?
OSCAR
The gun was a derringer two shot magnum pistol. I used to have one in
my collection. Delbert fired the first shot at his beeper, the last shot at Frank.
DAN
Amazing. I saw your gun collection, and I'm trying to remember which gun it was.
OSCAR
I showed it to you, Dan. It was the black one with the intricate gold inlay on the barrel.
DAN
Ah, now I recall: the one with the gold crucifix inlaid on the barrel.
OSCAR
Gold crucifix? No, no, that gun was the Luger that Mussolini gave to Pope Pius XII. The pontiff used to sleep with it under his pillow in the Vatican.
DAN
I guess I still have something to learn about guns.
(JIM LAKE enters with a sheaf full of papers in his hand.)
JIM
Oscar, you were sensational.
OSCAR
Thanks.
JIM
What great television -- best I ever saw. The way you captured that little monster -- amazing. And you looked absolutely fearless.
OSCAR
I may have looked that way. At any rate, only my laundryman will know how scared I was.
JIM
The wires in our headquarters are burning up. We've had to call in the entire daytime staff of operators to handle the phones. I've never seen anything like it in all my years in the business. Look at what they've been saying. (He hands some of papers to OSCAR, some to DAN, some to KITTY.)
DAN
(after leafing through papers) Here are five who say you should get the Congressional Medal of Honor.
KITTY
Look at this. A call from the Bwitish Ambassador. The Queen wants to give Oscar the Victoria Cross. (The chorus of Hail Britannia is heard).
The phone beeps. DAN answers it.)
DAN
Broadcast booth.
JIM
You know, Oscar, I've been meaning to talk to you about your new...
DAN
(into phone) Yes, just a moment…Oscar, it’s the White House. (DAN hands receiver to Oscar.)
OSCAR
Uh, oh. Somebody there probably didn't like the story I did this morning on the deficit. (into phone) yes, I'll wait...Yes...Oh, yes, Mr. President, how are you?...I'm fine, thank you...You did? My goodness, it seems almost everybody in the country was watching that broadcast. I never had such a large audience before ... Thank you, sir, but I must tell you that I think you're giving me too much credit. I was very lucky that the gun held only two bullets...Oh, thank you, Mr. President, that's very kind... Well, in fact, I'm going to be retiring...
JIM
No, no, Oscar, don't say that.
OSCAR
...in three weeks. I probably won't have a lot to do for a while afterward, so if you want me to come down to Washington next month, that would be fine...Very good...A pleasant evening to you, too, sir. Good bye. (OSCAR hangs up phone)
KITTY
What did the President say?
OSCAR
He said that he wants me to come to Washington to a ceremony next month. He's going to give me a certificate of commendation for bravery. He says that I've set a fine example of courage for all young Americans. I guess he thinks I'm a Republican.
JIM
Oscar, I want to talk to you about your new contract.
OSCAR
You do?
JIM
I certainly do. I have it right here. (JIM pulls contract out of pocket)
I had it drawn up an hour ago. I've always said that you're the best anchorman in the business. (to DAN and KITTY) Haven't I?
DAN
Yes, Jim. Yes, Jim.
OSCAR
(looks through contract) How did you get the whole thing drawn up at this time of night?
JIM
I called in our chief contract negotiator from home.
OSCAR
Marvin Horowitz?
JIM
No, not Marvin. I fired Marvin last week.
OSCAR
Why did you do that?
JIM
Because he was never around late at night and on the weekend to take care of situations like this, that's why.
OSCAR
I see.
JIM
Don't worry, Oscar. This is the best contract I've ever given you.
OSCAR
The terms are quite generous.
JIM
Of course, they are. Look, you don't have to sign the thing tonight if you don't want. Show it to your agent. Show it to your lawyer. I'm sure they'll have no complaints. But there's one thing that I would like you to do.
OSCAR
What's that?
JIM
It's now nine thirty. I'd like to have a special news bulletin, let our viewers know that you're going to be with us another five years. You might also include a little follow-up of the events of tonight, but only if you want to. What do you think, Dan? Don't you think our viewers would like that?
DAN
Yes, Jim.
JIM
What about it, Oscar?
OSCAR (Thinks a moment)
OK.
JIM
Great. Dan, arrange it at once. A five minute announcement.
DAN
Yes, Jim. (DAN picks up phone, punches buttons) Network operations? Jack? This is Dan Kleinbart in the broadcast booth at the Garden. I need emergency air time, immediately, on all network stations and affiliates. We have an urgent special news bulletin...Listen, I don't care what show you have to cut into ...I don't care if it's our most popular program...(to JIM) They didn't want to cut into Gilligan's Island. (punches more buttons on phone) Central switching? Bernie? This is Dan Kleinbart. Listen, we're going to broadcast a bulletin from our booth at the Garden. We've requisitioned emergency air time. The broadcast is to go to all network stations and affiliates ... That's right, a couple of minutes. Good. (DAN hangs up phone) Alright, Jim. We'll have the time in a couple minutes.
JIM
Oscar, I want to tell you how pleased I am at everything that's happened. For the last few months I've worried about the future of the company, what with the price of our stock falling the way it has.
OSCAR
I've noticed that.
JIM
It's all the fault of a numbskull I hired out of Harvard Business School, Myron Levin. I fired him two weeks ago. I wish I'd never seen him.
OSCAR
Is he the programmer who bought the sit-com series with the family of orangutans in it?
(ASSISTANT DIRECTOR and CAMERAMAN enter and set up)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
One minute to air, Mr. Klinger.
(OSCAR sits at anchor desk, prepares to broadcast)
JIM
No, no; that was someone else. Myron Levin was vice president in charge of acquisitions. Before I realized what he was doing, he'd lost three hundred thirty million dollars.
OSCAR
(whistles) A nice piece of change. What did he lose it on?
JIM
Bad ideas, poorly planned, poorly executed: cable TV, porno videocassettes, some graveyards in Brooklyn.
OSCAR
Myron Levin: I think I remember him now.
JIM
Anyhow, the losses have shown up on our balance sheet and our stock has taken a beating. The price has been so low, I've heard two rumors that a raider is going to try and take control of the company.
OSCAR
And oust the current management?
JIM
You don't have a thing to worry about. Your news broadcast is going to take us over the top again. I can't tell you how pleased I am.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Ten seconds to air...nine...eight ...seven ...six...five...four...three... two...one
VOICE OF ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this program for a special report from USBC News.
(Red light lights on camera. Bright lights come on)
OSCAR
A demented, armed man named Delbert Knudson broke into our broadcast booth tonight but has now been apprehended. Our correspondent, Frank Pangborn, and a desk assistant, Dick Evans, were killed. Knudson is now in critical condition in Roosevelt Hospital, and the doctors do not expect him to recover. British police suspect that Knudson may have been responsible for the murders of many women in London. Our British correspondent is investigating, and we should have more details for you soon. (slight pause) In the past few weeks, many of you have written and phoned, asking whether I am going to continue as anchor of this broadcast. I wish to report to you tonight that I have decided to retire from this network.
JIM
(stage whisper) What?
DAN
(stage whisper) Oscar, what are you saying? Are you crazy?
OSCAR
To my many loyal viewers, I extend my heartfelt thanks for your interest and your support. This is Oscar Klinger, USBC News, good night.
(Bright lights go off. Red light goes off on camera.)
JIM
How can you do this? Haven't I always treated you fairly? Look, Oscar, you can retract your retirement tomorrow. Just name your price. Just tell me what I can do for you. What can I do?
OSCAR
(Rises, and as he exits he turns to JIM) You can take this job and shove it.
The End